So I was thinking, how can I mock highlight the difference between British folk and us North Americans? The most obvious way is to examine our language. What do I mean? We both speak English right? We have no trouble communicating. Ooooh reeeeallly. So just for fun I wrote a little story for y’all (not, I’m not from Alabama but it works so well). Then for those of you who have no idea what it’s about 
there is a glossary after the break.
Soggy Snogging
It was pissing down with rain as I walked down the pavement next to the dual carriageway. I was wearing my wellies and carrying my brolly when an estate car drove by and splashed me. I was able to hit the boot as he passed but didn’t get his number plate. My jumper was wet and I was soaked through to my Y-fronts. I screamed after him “You bloody wanker!” but I knew he didn’t hear. I considered calling the bobbies, but I didn’t think I’d get much beyond sympathy and a cuppa to take off the chill. I wanted him arrested and his arse thrown in gaol. At the nearest pub, I ordered a Newkie Brown and bangers and mash. There was bugger all I could do except attempt to dry out. I knew there’d be no heat in my caravan when I got back and it’s not like I had a char to clean up after me.
I woke the next morning and my mouth felt full of cotton wool. The empty crisp packets spread about meant I’d been rat-arsed when I got home. I heard a groan from my left and turned my head to see a bare arse beside me with a head buried under the pillow. I vaguely remembered snogging some bloke who may have told me to sod off at one point. Obviously I’d been very persuasive. Since I had no clue who he was, this seemed to be a giant cock-up, although the good quality trousers he’d left hanging from the headboard didn’t look too dodgy, maybe he wouldn’t be a total git like the last bloke who’d been a right toffee-nosed prat once he realised I was on the dole.
I hoped we hadn’t nicked the crisps. I was a bit skint these days and wasn’t sure I’d had enough dosh to buy that many packets. I didn’t need a panda car showing up in the caravan park. The stranger turned his head and I was gobsmacked to see it was the bartender from the pub. I was somewhat chuffed to see I’d managed to snag a looker, although he lived in a flat in town so I wasn’t sure why we’d ended up in my manky caravan. I certainly hoped he didn’t expect a fry-up when he woke, because all I had was some tinned spotted dick. I didn’t have any rashers, eggs or black pudding on hand.
I slipped off the bed to head to the loo for a slash. As I stood over the bog I thought about the chap kipping in my bed. The guy wasn’t my usual type, but he reminded me of a bloke I’d dated in uni. I wondered what happened to that little shite. He’d rodgered every guy he could find that term. What a slag! He was good at it though, had to give the tosser that, I wasn’t going to whinge about it now five years later.
I found a clean vest in my rucksack as I’d just been the laundrette and pulled a can of pop out of the fridge. I could have gone for a bacon sarnie with HP sauce, but that wasn’t going to happen. The hunk in my bed lifted his head and smiled over at me. I knew it was daft to even think about a relationship with the bloke, but it would be nice to have someone to watch footie with on the tellie. I hoped the guy had one, because I certainly didn’t. Maybe I could get a job at the chippie down by the quay. It wouldn’t be so bad, if I had someone to cuddle up with when I was knackered after a hard day’s work. I threw the can in the dustbin, peeled off the vest I’d only just put on and sauntered back to the bed. This might not be all bad, even if he was a bit twee for my taste. I slid under the duvet and into his arms, not bad at all.
Glossary
Love it!! But we want more – more, I tell you!! I want to know what happens next!!
Anne
xxx
I believe the next part involves kinky uses for that can of spotted dick.
Best thing for it, Tam!
I’m from NZ – we speak ‘Brit’ here but with a few differences but I read this and thought….pavement? shouldn’t that be footpath and wondered what the heck a ‘dual carriageway’ is as we’d say motorway or just ‘street’. There were a couple of others I wouldn’t have used or hadn’t heard of either but that could be the NZ thing.
I’m amused by how much slang you’ve managed to squeeze into one short story – way more than I’d ever use in about six months! Well done
I didn’t realise how much of the phrases used needed a ‘translation’ though. Interesting.
Despite Canada being in the Commonwealth, I really think we’ve adopted far more American English than NZ and Australia. Thanks to certain TV shows/movies of course certain words are fairly well known. Everyone knows what knickers are for example but I doubt you’ll find a Canadian who uses them in their conversation. Except me maybe.
LMAO that’s brilliant! I use every single one of those words except ‘estate car’. I think it’s more advert-speak – ‘get this 5-door estate…’
A Swiss friend once got very confused by the meaning of ‘shag’. She said, “Why is everyone talking about a bird?”
LOL To us shag is carpet, with those long threads from the 70′s.
LOL – nice one, Tam! I had no idea some of these terms were unfamiliar to US readers. Of course, that makes the rebel in me even more determined to use them ;P
Oh yeah, you missed the opportunity to call the ex a “slapper” – that’s one of my favourite slut synonyms – although slag is good too. I live near the famous Midsomer Norton slag heap, which always makes me chuckle when I drive past
You’ll have your American editors freaking out Josephine. Just offer to put a glossary in the back.
We do have slag heaps in North America, however they don’t usually get many amused snorts.
You have to be careful with jumper because the first thing that comes to mind for North Americans (we’ve had this conversation before with my friends) is pinafore. Little girls in grade school wear jumpers. So visualizing a hot guy in a pinafore? Not so hot. Unless you’re going for the school girl cross-dressing thing.
LOL, agree about “jumper” – I thought he was cross-dressing
I didn’t need a dictionary
Funny to see these all crammed in snippet Tam
You Europeans. So well versed in all the language.
I think I got most of those without the glossary! I actually have far more trouble with Aussie slang.
I really think we North American’s have been exposed to far more Brit TV than Aussie, especially now with channels like BBC America. The slang seeps in, even if we don’t notice it at the time.
Except… I don’t really watch tv.
I only needed the glossary for a few so I did pretty good. Great job, Tam!!
Thanks Lily it was fun and most of the time you can figure out words from context.
I have watched alot of British TV over the years, thanks to PBS and BBCAmerica, so I knew many of the terms. I have wondered about Y-fronts though, I know those are pants but are they just pants with zippers?
Y-fronts are underwear. THIS is a good example with the inverted Y.
Cool I learned something new, I can totally see were they they get name.
I understood most of this, Tam. Nice work
When you do your Australian Authors week, you’ll have to re-write this using Aussie slang!
Thanks Wren. I’ll likely need more assistance from someone down under when I take that one on.
This was great! I’ve read a few books recently by British authors and the slang usually leaves me scratching my head. I actually did need the glossary for a few
Thanks Patti. I’m sure some of your southern turns of phrase would leave us scratching our heads as well. Language is fun.
Tam, this is outstanding! I could barely understand it, ha, ha! I had a feeling the slang was different between UK and North America but not this different. I also didn’t know that Canada seems to be much closer to US slang. I have to admit I always get knocked out of a British story when I read about a guy in a jumper and have to adjust my mental image.
It’s that undue influence from the south has sucked the Brit right out of us.
I used to read mostly British detective stories so I guess I ran across a lot of slang from the criminal’s point of view.
Jumper really is a word that can throw you off.
Great job here, Tam. I’m very impressed by the number of slang words you managed to fit in. Next week you’ll have to write one all in Cockney rhyming slang. That would test even me as a Brit
.
Ack. No no. I’ve reached my limit.
It was fun.
hahahahaha! That’s quite fun! I don’t know how I stumbled onto this website, but I’m glad I did. That was kind of like reading a foreign language and yes, we are two diverse countries, despite using the “same” language.
More . . .
Richard
Welcome Richard. Glad you found us. You would think English is English is English, but not quite so.
That’s priceless, me old china! And so, so *right* LOL.
Glad you enjoyed it Clare.
Spotted Dick is a great winter pud!
Spotted Dick
• 50 g butter
• 350 g plain flour
• 3 tsp baking powder
• 140 g shredded suet
• 85 g caster sugar
• 115 g currants
• finely grated zest and juice of 2 lemons
• 75 ml milk
• 75 ml whipping cream
• custard or clotted cream, to serve
1. Soften half the butter and use to grease a 1.4 litre pudding basin.
2. Combine the flour, baking powder, suet, sugar and currants in a large bowl, mixing well.
3. Melt the remaining butter and stir into the flour mixture.
4. Stir in the lemon juice and zest.
5. Combine the milk and cream in a small jug. Slowly stir enough into the mixture to bring it to a dropping consistency.
6. Pour the mixture into the pudding basin. Cover with a double layer of greaseproof paper (make a pleat in the middle to allow for expansion), tied in place with string.
7. Place the basin in a steamer basket set over boiling water. Cover and steam for about 1 – 1 1/2 hours until cooked. Check the water level now and again to make sure it doesn’t burn dry.
8. Serve with custard or, if you’re feeling wicked, a big dollop of clotted cream.
Doesn’t sound bad but it seems a buying it in a tin is much simpler.
Probably tastes like a sea sponge though. You know, I’m not even sure you can buy suet here. Not in the supermarket, maybe you could ask.
Very nicely done. I might nick the glossary for reverse use. I’ll try and avoid using ‘jumper’ in future I didn’t realise that it was used at all in the US. Does the other meaning translate? Jumper= suicide victim who jumps from a bridge or in front of a train (not sure victim is the right word there but it is late and I can’t think of another).
Ah yes, usually they are just called idiots.
I think that’s more of an American term, but I’ve heard it.
I asked my daughter about the term jumper. She knew right away it was a sweater in the UK (thank you Harry Potter) but she had not heard it used for the suicide thing and had forgotten about pinafores, but then 15 year old girls usually don’t think about pinafores much.
The first thing that came to mind for her was jumper cables, which are the electrical cables you use to boost a dead battery from one car to another.
Also where I grew up in the wilds of Canada, a jumper was a nickname for white tailed deer, I suppose since they jump up into the air while escaping.
Who knew one word could have so many diverse uses.
Sounds very gor blimey Mary Poppins seeing it all in one short story – kudos to you Tam for managing to cram it all in! Chuffed to see he’d had a bonk after being out on the pull.
Funny, I’ve just written something about language differences but will delay it a wee bit after seeing this!
Uhhh. Thanks? LOL It is funny how it can be the same but different.